As I was crawling to bed on Aug 16th, 2019, I knew the night is not gonna be short. But even in my wildest dreams, I couldn’t imagine losing close to 8 months and only waking up in May.
2019 was a bad year. Living with emotional, mental, and sexual abuse, even though for a short time, had left a deep wound that had lead to a path of self-destruction physically and mentally. The unending thought spiral following the rape, continues anxiety attacks, and desperately drinking the reality away had left me a mere husk of my previous self. So it wasn’t really a surprise to me when I realized my memories of the past events are incomplete. Perhaps the best defense mechanism my body could have think of. At least I didn’t need to suffer due to any new trauma.
The emotional abuse was probably the hardest to deal with. The feeling of being flawed by someone so close and so dear, time and time again, depleted my supply of self-worth and self-esteem. It made me take a step back from my friendships, drove me to travel in isolation, and even stay away from public transports. It wasn’t until months later that I grew the guts to step into a train and commute. Even now, more than a year later, I can’t say for certain if the trauma is gone. But I’ve learned to stay away from any trigger that can cause an emotional imbalance in me.
Somehow staying away from people helped a lot in dealing with sexual abuses too. It mostly bothered me before bed, during the sleep, and anytime I came close to getting involved myself. Luckily, the shit ton of sleeping pill I used to take every night helped a lot from feeling the disturbance.
I pitied myself for months, blaming outside events for what I was going through, and discarding any attempt to help myself. It wasn’t until I found help in a book I picked up randomly that helped me kickstart a process that has led me to where I am now.
As I was going through my diary, I came across so many incidents that I can’t even recall. People I met who I don’t remember, and things I did that are way out of character for me. Forgetting them was a blast, and it probably helped a lot in the healing process. But none of these are an excuse for my actions. And that’s the most important lesson I should learn from this series of unfortunate events 😉