Picked up this book from “The Amazon Kindle Shop” the other day as one of my last attempts to try and get over the issues I’ve been recently facing in my life. And it was a total blast. The book follows the events in the life of Zoe McKey (author), and how she found peace after a lifetime of suffering from emotional unavailability, toxic relationships, and abuse. There were parts that I could relate to dearly, parts that were bringing back memories, and things that I wanted to forget, but they all followed with lessons that we can learn from it.
Emotional Unavailability and Neglect
The first eye-opening moment for me was when the author started talking about the neglect she felt as a kid from her parents when they were always busy with their work. Even though they worked that hard to provide for her, it left a scar on her as a kid which affected her relationships 20+ years down the road.
I never thought I was neglected as a kid. What they did was always justified for me. But it was only after reading this book that I learned the problems I’ve been facing my entire life could have been rooted deep down in unresolved issues I’ve had with my parents.
I am not good enough to make them stay. That is why they leave. Because I am inadequate, therefore unlovable, therefore unimportant. People will always leave me unless I become good enough.
There have been days in my life that I felt with every cell in my body “I am not good enough, that’s why they leave”, so I could totally resonate with the author for feeling the same about her parents and her partners. I spent a good hour or so just thinking about that paragraph, and trying to figure out why in all these years I never stopped for one second, thinking the issue might not be me.
Love and Loss
The story then continues with the author losing her mom to sickness and her conversations with her in the last year of her life. The moment when she truly understood emotional maturity, and how her emotional immaturity created a barrier between her and her mom to really understand each other. But finally, in the face of the inevitable, she understood what was missing from her life all these years.
Grief is tremendous, but love is bigger. You are grieving because you loved truly. The beauty in that is greater than the bitterness of death. Allowing this into your consciousness will not keep you from suffering, but it will help you survive the next day.
Emotional Abuse, Defensiveness, Anxiety
Her story continues with her experiences of emotional abuse, and how those disregarded abuses left her scared and defensive towards new things life started throwing at her. How those ignored emotional abuses as a kid or a teenager, manifested into something greater in her adult life and relationships. And how fear, caused her anxiety and made her stay in relationships that were dead for a long time.
Someone making you feel flawed by default as a human being, actually, is one of the worst kinds of emotional abuse. If you’ve been through such treatment often, you need to do some unlearning.
But then she goes into how to face those fears, and how she gets over the defensiveness with the help of her partner. Steps towards healing herself and enjoying life, and in the end achieving mindfulness.
What would happen if you looked at yourself in the mirror while you’re feeling anxious, and said while maintaining eye contact, “Honey, what’s the matter? You know I love you, right? You know you’re lovable, right? Do you know I’m here for you?”